It’s been a while, but I’m back….I had been posting on my Myspace page for awhile, but it’s time to fire up those neurons, and let the fur fly…………er………….well………….it’s time for an update for you all………..
The first post on here I had an afternote with intentions that I had…..and….well……..some things just aren’t what they seem to be……….or go they way they should…….but…………….something else has happened……….someone else…….and this time, I’m not going to mess this up………….I have to cross the biggest hurdle of them all………..being true to myself………….
I have been single for almost a year and a half, and that was after 5 years of apparent self-inflicted hell with my ex, politely refered to as the Snarling Hose-Beast(I have my reasons, and all of them are reflected by just about everyone else that has come in contact with the alien lifeform)………….there, that is out of the way………….but since then, I took the time for my heart to heal, and I decided I needed to watch who I came in contact with as it regards to who I let see what is in my heart….keeping it shrouded in the shadows. I’ve tried to find someone new, and…..well……..everytime it seems that it is a lost cause……..that I wasn’t quite up to the challenge of starting over…………………..well, some things really do change……….follow me…………
I come to you today not really knowing what I should do…….but knowing what it is I want to do, and what I am going to do………I work at a wonderfully downtrodden place called Wal-Mart…….that is until just a handful of weeks ago. Someone….well……let’s just say, I don’t know what to say. Her name is Samantha….or Sam for short…….a very beautiful redhead, that kinda took what little breath I had away……….not just because she was beautiful on the outside, but because she was so nice. Well, I kinda left it at that. I then found out that she was the little sister of someone I had grown to respect there because of how nice SHE was, and that would be…..um…..I’ll call her Miss Jen…..just to do it(you all know I’m like that)…….so I thought I’d get to know her alittle better just by talking….shooting the shit, so to speak…………..that might’ve been more than I was ready for………I grew to like Sam because of the one interest that gets me the most, and that is taste in movies…………..I know it sounds weird, but you can tell alot about a person just by the movies they watch……and no, for those of you that know about it, I haven’t given her the movie test……..(one simple question, what are your five favorite movies of all time and that can tell you almost everything in terms of behavior and their way of thinking………………………I think I’m going off in the wrong direction…….sorry…………….back to what I was saying)………………I know movies are something weird to go off of, but I’m a movie fanatic, so it’s something to think about….after that, I just tried to get as much of a glimpse of her spirit as I could by talking and interacting with her when I could get the chance……..and it led to……well…….I don’t know. I get this weird feeling when I’m around her(no reference to the scene in “Spawn”….”You’re going to get hairy in funny places and you’ll start thinking about girls”)…….no…..not that…….not from me…….from her……..it’s strange, I feel this strange aura radiating from Sam that I have never felt before…….and it started to make me think about that maybe I should say something about what I was feeling……problem though, I couldn’t……I can’t……..there are no words that can describe this feeling……….none whatsoever……….
That leads me to this…..what do you think I wanted to do?…….I wanted to ask her out on a date……..maybe not just to be on a date, but because of this aura, this presence that she harbors, I wanted….no, wait………I want to get to know her better(not wanted because I still do)………then comes the next part……and it sounds like a fucking broken record…….I CAN’T DO IT…………I’ve been trying for about a week and a half, almost two full weeks now, and everytime I get around her…..I can’t say it……when I work up to it, I instantly melt……….why? Because of The Circle…….Honor, Respect, Faith, Love………..I didn’t want to break it……..I didn’t know if it was a good idea or not, I was scared to tread on that particular piece of ground. Well, sometimes, some people get funny ideas. My friend Mark, for example……….he knew I wanted to say something to Sam, but I clammed up before doing so, so do you know what he suggested? That he should do it. At first I didn’t agree, but…….you could say, that I gave in…………..it might’ve not been the best decision to make…………………keep up if you can, this one still has some gas left in it…………..
Why wasn’t that the best decision in the world? Now she knows. Maybe not all of it, but enough. I’m not saying that is bad……actually, that is great because it eases the mind just enough to be able to have gotten some sleep for once…….yes, Sam IS that amazing, I haven’t gotten that 3-4 hours of sleep because I can’t get her out of mind…………I’m not saying that is a bad thing though…………..you know what I mean…………I found out about something that I know I shouldn’t admit to knowing, but I have a feeling that she might already know the information has been passed. Miss Jen let me know that there is/or has been a problem that has occured. I’m not going to detail, mainly because I don’t have much of it……….but all I will say is that it looks to me that she might be in a place now that I know of way to well. It’s called BrokenPromiseLand………….and it is not a very happy place……..literally the polar opposite of DisneyWorld……………..but what I understand is that heart needs a little bit of epoxy as well…….as much as I would love to be that redemption, I can’t be. A pain like that cannot be helped by someone else until you are ready to be able to let that person in……and that can’t happen until you start the healing process yourself………….in other words, the best thing I can do is to wait……..wait until she makes the first stitch…….and maybe, if I’m lucky…….I can help with the rest of the sewing……and I think that maybe it is best that I wait anyway…….I’m not in the best of shape either……my wrestling hero apparently kills his family and himself(though I’ll never believe it)……….my main hero, my dad, isn’t going to last forever(which I knew), but that time keeps getting shorter because of heart problems……………………..maybe I should do what I know I should, walk a step behind her so she can shine her light on the world………..or at least to give her a chance to be able to reclaim the light she needs…………….I should probably tell you all now that I think it is worth all of the time in the world………..
And this is to Sam. I am here. I will be waiting. Please don’t be afraid to talk to me about anything…….anything at all. If there is anyone else out there you can trust, it is me. Trust me, alot of people do. I can always seem to help them, but it seems so hard to help myself most of the time. I want you to know that there is someone right here…..not very far from you….easy to find…….that is willing to show you how someone should be treated……..with Honor………with Respect………..within Faith……..and possiblly, eventually Love…………….until then….until you deem this shadow-stained soul worthy…….I will be here………waiting……..as if Father Time himself could halt the flow of time just for me……..
Here’s to The Circle……may it never be unbroken again…….
My mind is a vast and encompassing easel….and my thoughts are the brushes that grace its surface…….but sometimes, you can’t control all of them at the same time………
Remember my words: “Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
May the silence be broken by something other than the tears from the Keeper of the Shadow Heart………
Fino alla volta prossima, i miei amici……..
Until next time, my friends…………
Lasciare l’Abbraccio di Fuoco Lei……….
Let the Fire Embrace You………..
~The Master is Out
Note: I apologize to my readers about my absence from here. I promise you that I will be here more often to shed alittle more of the shadows that take me over………………..one by one, I WILL be whole again…………
