FTW #1

I say fuck this crazy little thing called love. I don’t understand it, I don’t care to understand it, but why is it that when you finally get things figured out, life and love kick your ass and laugh in your face.

I have a huge problem. See, you could say I’m smitten with a certain girl at work. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t and then my friend Mark did it anyway(if you want more info, please read the last blog). I stayed out of the way until the time was right like I was asked to………I really didn’t want to, but I did it……………and while I was waiting, I ended up with someone else. That is what my problem is. I don’t want hurt anyone, but I want to…………no…………I need to see if there was anything there, that maybe I didn’t jump the gun this time. I say this time because I did once before, and I ended up not only hurting one of the best friends I’ve ever had, but I ended up getting trapped in a relationship with one of the most evil people on the planet. I don’t want or need to do something like that again.

That is the next problem. The person I’ve ended up with is showing signs that history might repeat itself. I don’t want to find out. The last time destroyed me, and I still haven’t picked up all of the pieces. And speaking of the pieces, right now, I’m being torn to shreds inside, because no one seems to understand the meaning of broken spirit. My self-esteem is being ripped apart, and the rest of me is surely to follow.

I hate it. Because I don’t want to hurt anyone either.

This is the first time in my life that I am actually going to make a decision for myself and I know I’m going to end up hurting someone in the end. Usually when I do things, I only hurt myself, but this time looks to be different……….much different……….

I will tell you what I want to happen. This girl at work is someone that gives me chills….and not bad ones. I mean, there is this aura that surrounds her, that sends my spirit in a haze and an uproar all at the same time. She is nice, she is very beautiful, and she doesn’t treat me like a fucking ghost, like the way everyone else seems to do. I’m tired of being overlooked………..but the thing is, I don’t know if she is interested or not. I wished I knew. I want to know, but I’m too afraid to ask……or at least face to face……I sent her an email, but I don’t know yet if it did any good……………..

This anticipation is killing me……….but through all of it, I guess I want to know if any of my efforts are worth anything…….because if not, then I guess the only thing left for me to do is to finally let the shadows take me over again…………….

This is to Samantha. I guess you can say that I am a fool. I shoudn’t be so scared, but I can’t help it…………once draped in shadows to forever carry them in pain……………I just wished I knew what to do now…………..if at all possible, please let me know…..or at least give me a sign………….

And that concludes this edition of FTW………

Remember, if you’re feeling down and hatred is all you feel, then stick your fist way up high and scream, “Fuck The World!!!!!!!”

Look for a bio page to be put up soon, so all of you will know more about this twisted soul…….

Until next time, my friends……….

~The Master is Out

Please, help me burn out the memories that I have welling up deep inside…………

“It’s not who we are underneath, it’s what we do that defines us.” -Christian Bale, as Batman in “Batman Begins”

The first post on here I had an afternote with intentions that I had…..and….well……..some things just aren’t what they seem to be……….or go they way they should…….but…………….something else has happened……….someone else…….and this time, I’m not going to mess this up………….I have to cross the biggest hurdle of them all………..being true to myself………….

I have been single for almost a year and a half, and that was after 5 years of apparent self-inflicted hell with my ex, politely refered to as the Snarling Hose-Beast(I have my reasons, and all of them are reflected by just about everyone else that has come in contact with the alien lifeform)………….there, that is out of the way………….but since then, I took the time for my heart to heal, and I decided I needed to watch who I came in contact with as it regards to who I let see what is in my heart….keeping it shrouded in the shadows.  I’ve tried to find someone new, and…..well……..everytime it seems that it is a lost cause……..that I wasn’t quite up to the challenge of starting over…………………..well, some things really do change……….follow me…………

I come to you today not really knowing what I should do…….but knowing what it is I want to do, and what I am going to do………I work at a wonderfully downtrodden place called Wal-Mart…….that is until just a handful of weeks ago. Someone….well……let’s just say, I don’t know what to say. Her name is Samantha….or Sam for short…….a very beautiful redhead, that kinda took what little breath I had away……….not just because she was beautiful on the outside, but because she was so nice. Well, I kinda left it at that. I then found out that she was the little sister of someone I had grown to respect there because of how nice SHE was, and that would be…..um…..I’ll call her Miss Jen…..just to do it(you all know I’m like that)…….so I thought I’d get to know her alittle better just by talking….shooting the shit, so to speak…………..that might’ve been more than I was ready for………I grew to like Sam because of the one interest that gets me the most, and that is taste in movies…………..I know it sounds weird, but you can tell alot about a person just by the movies they watch……and no, for those of you that know about it, I haven’t given her the movie test……..(one simple question, what are your five favorite movies of all time and that can tell you almost everything in terms of behavior and their way of thinking………………………I think I’m going off in the wrong direction…….sorry…………….back to what I was saying)………………I know movies are something weird to go off of, but I’m a movie fanatic, so it’s something to think about….after that, I just tried to get as much of a glimpse of her spirit as I could by talking and interacting with her when I could get the chance……..and it led to……well…….I don’t know. I get this weird feeling when I’m around her(no reference to the scene in “Spawn”….”You’re going to get hairy in funny places and you’ll start thinking about girls”)…….no…..not that…….not from me…….from her……..it’s strange, I feel this strange aura radiating from Sam that I have never felt before…….and it started to make me think about that maybe I should say something about what I was feeling……problem though, I couldn’t……I can’t……..there are no words that can describe this feeling……….none whatsoever……….

That leads me to this…..what do you think I wanted to do?…….I wanted to ask her out on a date……..maybe not just to be on a date, but because of this aura, this presence that she harbors, I wanted….no, wait………I want to get to know her better(not wanted because I still do)………then comes the next part……and it sounds like a fucking broken record…….I CAN’T DO IT…………I’ve been trying for about a week and a half, almost two full weeks now, and everytime I get around her…..I can’t say it……when I work up to it, I instantly melt……….why? Because of The Circle…….Honor, Respect, Faith, Love………..I didn’t want to break it……..I didn’t know if it was a good idea or not, I was scared to tread on that particular piece of ground. Well, sometimes, some people get funny ideas. My friend Mark, for example……….he knew I wanted to say something to Sam, but I clammed up before doing so, so do you know what he suggested? That he should do it. At first I didn’t agree, but…….you could say, that I gave in…………..it might’ve not been the best decision to make…………………keep up if you can, this one still has some gas left in it…………..

Why wasn’t that the best decision in the world? Now she knows. Maybe not all of it, but enough. I’m not saying that is bad……actually, that is great because it eases the mind just enough to be able to have gotten some sleep for once…….yes, Sam IS that amazing, I haven’t gotten that 3-4 hours of sleep because I can’t get her out of mind…………I’m not saying that is a bad thing though…………..you know what I mean…………I found out about something that I know I shouldn’t admit to knowing, but I have a feeling that she might already know the information has been passed. Miss Jen let me know that there is/or has been a problem that has occured. I’m not going to detail, mainly because I don’t have much of it……….but all I will say is that it looks to me that she might be in a place now that I know of way to well. It’s called BrokenPromiseLand………….and it is not a very happy place……..literally the polar opposite of DisneyWorld……………..but what I understand is that heart needs a little bit of epoxy as well…….as much as I would love to be that redemption, I can’t be. A pain like that cannot be helped by someone else until you are ready to be able to let that person in……and that can’t happen until you start the healing process yourself………….in other words, the best thing I can do is to wait……..wait until she makes the first stitch…….and maybe, if I’m lucky…….I can help with the rest of the sewing……and I think that maybe it is best that I wait anyway…….I’m not in the best of shape either……my wrestling hero apparently kills his family and himself(though I’ll never believe it)……….my main hero, my dad, isn’t going to last forever(which I knew), but that time keeps getting shorter because of heart problems……………………..maybe I should do what I know I should, walk a step behind her so she can shine her light on the world………..or at least to give her a chance to be able to reclaim the light she needs…………….I should probably tell you all now that I think it is worth all of the time in the world………..

And this is to Sam. I am here. I will be waiting. Please don’t be afraid to talk to me about anything…….anything at all. If there is anyone else out there you can trust, it is me. Trust me, alot of people do. I can always seem to help them, but it seems so hard to help myself most of the time. I want you to know that there is someone right here…..not very far from you….easy to find…….that is willing to show you how someone should be treated……..with Honor………with Respect………..within Faith……..and possiblly, eventually Love…………….until then….until you deem this shadow-stained soul worthy…….I will be here………waiting……..as if Father Time himself could halt the flow of time just for me……..

Here’s to The Circle……may it never be unbroken again…….

My mind is a vast and encompassing easel….and my thoughts are the brushes that grace its surface…….but sometimes, you can’t control all of them at the same time………

Remember my words: “Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”

May the silence be broken by something other than the tears from the Keeper of the Shadow Heart………

Fino alla volta prossima, i miei amici……..
Until next time, my friends…………

Lasciare l’Abbraccio di Fuoco Lei……….
Let the Fire Embrace You………..

~The Master is Out

Note: I apologize to my readers about my absence from here. I promise you that I will be here more often to shed alittle more of the shadows that take me over………………..one by one, I WILL be whole again…………

Your b-day is the day that you should get your way in at least some aspects…….the only thing I got that I wanted was the night off from work…..and I requested it to get it off……..

I spent a lot of time in my own personal hell to realize that I could change it myself…….now that the hell is almost gone, the shadows have shown me that maybe I was better off…….nothing seems to go right anyway……..not for me…………….I just sit back and let life run me over………………I know it’s all my fault, but I’m trying to change it………

But sometimes trying isn’t enough……….

Not without hope…………………..

Not without some clear path………………………….

Not without the fear taking me over…………………………….

Sometimes trying isn’t enough, especially when you want something so bad…………

Don’t get me wrong, I love the shadows, I feel at home in the shadows…………I see things others can’t see while I’m in the shadows………….but it clouds what I can see in myself…………

Most of the time I shake my fist at the sky and tell the world to go fuck itself………………I WILL NOT BE INFLUENCED BY MY SURROUNDINGS………………….but sometimes all that is left is loneliness………………an inate loneliness that you feel when you try and you try and you try and you try and you keep trying………only to find a glass ceiling only about 2 rungs above your head…………………

Why do I hate my birthday?

Simple………………………..

I usually spend it thinking………………..

And when I start thinking……………….

I start realizing all of the things that make the shadows feel like home sweet home………..

You want to know what pain is………………………………pain is finding out all of the worst things on what is supposed to be the best day of your year…………………

F…..U…..C…..K……………………I…..T……………………A…..L…..L

Some things will never change……………….

Fino alla volta prossima, i miei amici………………..

~The Master is Out

–
“Spiteful words can’t hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”

I used to play a little game called “Magic: the Gathering” and I just liked the name of this one card and it was called “Dark Heart of the Wood”……….that’s all it is……

Next…..just so everyone knows…………if you know me personally, great….I’m glad….refer to me by my real first name….but if you don’t quite know me and/or my first name, please refer to me as Master Solace or Sol for short…………..What does Master Solace mean….Simple………..solace means something that give comfort or consolation or just the feeling of comfort……………..and I do what I can for the people around me……….

Now for the meat……

I am just an average person, but sometimes I have some really messed up points of view….I try my hardest to keep them, because I am who am, and that is what I’m going to be for the rest of my life………I see things differently beause I’ve had some time to think about things…I have spent alot of my life in deep depression….on’t really know why for most of it, but it was serious enough to have attempted suicide not once…not twice…but three times in my 23, soon to be 24, year old life.  I’m going to justify it, because I have learned my lessons, and hope to keep learning new ones without it…and it will never happen again……..because, I’ve decided to let things out…………

Some people say that I am a dark soul…..not quite…..my spirit is filled with shadows….and I like it that way……I am an observer…I notice what brings people down, and the biggest one is letting people see too much before you are actually ready to…..it’s okay to let people see the real you before you are ready to, there maybe someone waiting for that moment to take advantage of what is your heart…………….been there…….it is what woke me up……

Since I can remember, I have had this knack for seeing past the blocking that people do to hide there true selves…….I just sit back and watch….and it helps me understand what people to trust and which ones to avoid………

Throughout school, I was an outsider because of it, but I had my friends…because they showed me what they were really like……there was Trevor, the silent but angry giant……Matt Lawson, Goat-boy, as he was refered to, he was the teddy bear that would turn into a grizzly on command….there was Jesse, he garned respecct because he showed it to everyone……Justin, the J-Man, I still respect him today, he had this attitude about him at first, but now I think he has finally showed that he is the honorable one that I thought he would be……there was Brandon, to the rest of the group, he was almost pegged as the black sheep, but I don’t think I ever did and if I did, it was a big mistake, because I think he was just as honorable as I was…………..needless to say, Justin and Brandon are the only 2 I respected the most….and still do to this day……because they were the only ones who knew what true self meant……………

It’s because of all of this that I am who I am today……I’m not a church goer who has a set religion, because I have my own rules about faith and respect all of those religions who have kept their ways………….I hated the people who go up to me saying that they really want to see me in church…..I would go as soon as someone find me a church I agree with…..and that is all that is being said about that……………

I live my life by 4 simple beliefs….values……I call them The Circle….these always connect…one CAN lead to the next…………..and sometimes even lead you back to keep the circle going…….They are Honor, Respect, Faith, and Love…….

Honor: When you can show someone else that you can see that they are different, and that is just fine by you, because you will not judge them for it…….

Respect: Showing that no matter what fate might bring, that your honor for that person will not change for the worse, but only for the better….and that you hope that your connection will be stronger beause of it

Faith: Not the religous faith, but faith in another…….when you an look at someone you know that instead of saying that you will trust them with something, that you have faith that they will at least try…..that kind of faith…….

Love: Any kind of love, for anyone or anything…………

That is The Circle…….

I hope that clears it up for you………….

Now, I want all of my readers to do me a few huge favors
1: Comment on this and any other posts to have on here
2: If you have any funny topics or even disturbing ones…and anywhere inbetween, please email them to me, they will be included in some way, shape, form, or fashion
3: Tell everyone, let them know that this site is here, and they them to do the same……

Thank you all for reading this………….

Fino alla volta prossima, i miei amici………
Until Next time, my friends………………..

The Master needs to get some sleep…………..

P.S. To all who read this, I need some advice…….there is someone I want to ask out…maybe not on a date, but maybe just as friends…..and it might or might not be someone I haven’t met before in person…………but I don’t want to offend anyone or strike any bad nerves…………..should I do it…..or should I wait and see if it okay if I do first? Thank you for input………